Let's Go in a Different Direction

It is against my self-imposed rules to speculate about this July 1st-spawned phenomenon. I will not read between the lines. I refuse to surrender myself. I do not wish to morph into the much maligned, over indulgent, reporter/twitter junkie. On that note, let's talk some NBA.

No, I am not about to become a Peter King-like hypocrite.

I was thinking more along the lines of things greater than basketball, money or championships. Basketball to animal comparisons.

Joe Johnson - Pig

Joe Johnson flew the coop to chase the money in Atlanta. In 2010, the same greed kept him down south and destroyed all championship prospects for the Hawks. When your overweight uncle reaches for 3rd helpings at Thanksgiving, his wife immediately strikes with a powerful "don't be a pig." Joe's 3rd helping not only landed on his plate, but also found its way into his mouth. I am inclined, therefore, to employ this somewhat obvious and simple comparison. Yet more lies beneath the surface. We are blinded by the beautiful taste of bacon just as we are enamored with Joe's scoring ability. It excites the palate during all meals. Whether welcoming you to the day with a bacon, egg and cheese, supplying extra energy for the rest of the day through the famous BLT, or acting as the perfect compliment on the bacon cheeseburger, it's a wonderful addition to the culinary arts. It sweeps us off of our feet without us even noticing.

During the regular season, our opinion of Joe slowly improves as his team looks good from a distance. Just as the bacon blinds us, so does Joe. Yet when our sight returns, we can only shake our heads at our folly. The $2 for bacon is rarely worth it because as with Joe, the pig's packaging never fully delivers. The $119 million will not be worth it simply because he disappears when it counts. He is the bacon, not the burger. He is simply a piece of the success sandwich, not the piece.

Chris Bosh - Kangaroo

Just as Chris Bosh resides in America's annoying little brother, Canada, the kangaroo finds itself trapped on an island that Asia has hated for thousands of years. Let's be honest. "Mate" and "eh" add nothing other than an extra breath. But back to the comparison. Both, not surprisingly, are attempting to leave in the most attention-seeking manner possible. Hoards of video cameras tail Bosh and document his every move (we're probably looking at a future 30 for 30). The kangaroo is too attention-seeking to simply walk, and therefore must hop. It is an animal of change, seeking new and exciting places to venture towards. Some say the kangaroo prefers salt water for the taste. Real experts can peel away the kangaroo's layers of deception and extract the truth; they're looking for a way off the island. Of all the free agents, Bosh is the only one whom we are certain will leave. He, like the kangaroo, cannot fully hide his desire to be devoid of anonymity and is controlled by the allure of the big time.

Dwyane Wade - Cheetah

Look past the obvious comparisons between the speed of "Flash" and the cheetah, and dig a bit deeper. Both wear their emotions on their sleeves. Well, face. While it took a shoulder injury to evoke tears and somewhat taint Dwyane's face, the cheetah's tear lines are a constant reminder of that sad Miami Heat moment. But when the tears are not flowing and saturday night rolls by, don't be surprised to see either Dwyane or the cheetah involved in the social scene. They may both be fast, but both creatures are no strangers to slowing down to the speed of a star-studded social life. Whether it's seducing the females at the hottest Miami night club or engaging sexual counterparts in a shady knoll, both are silky smooth. Yet in the end, while both may enjoy socializing and partaking in the courting process, they ultimately return home to the familiar where they can comfortably sit atop the social hierarchy.

LeBron James - Gorilla

Let me start this off by saying that I am not a racist. Glad we got that out of the way.

If LeBron happened to foray into the jungle, he would stumble upon his primate equal. Their flat noses, hairy faces and generally imposing and feared physical statures would draw these naturally compatible species together. Some scientists even argue that the LeBron prototype evolved from the gorilla, citing the LeBron headband and the gorilla's superciliary arch above the eyebrow. If their familiarity increased and friendship ensued, they would notice their similar beliefs in loyalty to and protection of the family and close friends. Rarely will either travel alone. When attacking enemies, their physicality and overwhelming strength would dominate the competition. Even in celebration, chest pounding and incomprehensible groans connect these seemingly different beasts. Yet sprinkled onto these forceful attacks is a touch of skill, either involving opposable thumbs to dissect the prey or devestating crossovers to deflate the defender. Whether in the animal kingdom or on the basketball court, they dominate.

If the mood strikes me, part 2 of these comparisons will be coming on Wednesday.